“The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them.”
A short excerpt from my life, to explain my feelings:
“My voice trailed off. My eyes began to close. Falling asleep comforting him changed our friendship forever. The potent smell of vomit in the air, his random frequent shivers his hysterically frightening yellow eyes were all surface things that discouraged me from holding him and staying with him. The needle bruises under his arms forced my mind to be angry that he hadn’t kept his promise to stay clean. The thing is, I could be as mad as I want, it wouldn’t have changed anything. His pain and sickness was unbearable to him. The medication that teased away his appetite interrupted the healing process after he shot almost a pint of whiskey. He’s lucky he’s not dead. I leaned over and kissed his shoulder. I wasn’t even convinced that he needed me there. I was just there, and I couldn’t leave. I wish I have known what he was thinking back then, but I didn’t. It’s a good feeling that he’s here for me if I ever need him, too. No matter how embarrassing my situation is. Being a friend is talking to one another, shopping with your friend, laughing and, of course, crying with your friend. But most of all, friendship is being able to trust the person not to judge you for your decisions, despite how you may disagree with those decisions. Everyone needs the security of knowing that they will never screw you over, that they will always have your back, they’ll always support which path you take. Even people that you think you love can screw you over, and people who you never thought you’d love, you end up loving.”
After almost twenty-four years of existence, I’ve finally come to the conclusion that no matter how desperately you would die for someone to support your decisions, and be here for you through hard times, you can’t force that person to be supportive.
Obviously, Zack and I didn’t plan on dating for less than a year and creating life with each other. But I believe everything happens for a reason.
For the select few of you who are very close to me, you know a bit of my past. I’m not going to begin a never-ending blog post about my entire past, because it’s partially irrelevant. To sum it up, I got involved in some stupid things, and I truly believe having Kali may have saved my live.
Moving on: taking care of another child is going to be hard. Believe it or not, Zack and I know this. We made the decision to do the absolute best we can to raise our son together.
I knew when the news would be spread to the general public that it would be shocking, and that it wouldn’t get very favorable reviews.
But here’s the clincher:
I didn’t make this decision to please anyone. Especially my critics.
So, no, I’m not shocked or appalled that some of my closest family and friends have shunned this decision.
It hurts that certain people have chosen to view this child as a failure, a mistake, and a lack of responsibility more than they see him as a future member of their family.
A person is a person, no matter how small, right?
But here’s some relieving news:
We made this decision for ourselves, and our son, and we are proud of it.
I look forward to the rough expedition ahead, but I look on with pride, for Zack and I have already grown significantly, and continue to grow, as people, (prospective parents), and as a couple.
I wanted to take up a few lines to thank deeply, from the depths of my (black,heartless) soul all of the people who chose to support us through this. You may not be particularly happy, or thrilled that I am unmarried and bearing another child, but I’m so unbelievably grateful for your unconditional love, support, and happiness for us.
And as for those who don’t, well, my world is a pretty positive and uplifting place. I don’t really see a need to involve you in a major life decision you are so keenly against. So I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me for quite some time, because you see.. I learned to love my decisions. Especially this one.