Love Is Absence of Judgement

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I’ll start this blog the cliche’ way; with a yummy little helping of backstory:

I’ve struggled with my weight since late elementary school.

Growing up, though, I was pretty thin. Then, the turning point: Nintendo. An evil (amazing) activity that entertains children while they are completely immobile. I loved burning bushes down in Zelda to uncover a secret set of stairs. I liked to throw my little Pokemon ball and catch rare Pokemon! I loved the fantasy world I escaped into. And boy, did I love cookies.

Especially Mrs Field’s Chocolate Chip ones. mmm….

That’s the concoction that began my weight problem. When I was 6 or 7 I’d run around my back yard all day. Playing Tee ball or cowboys and Indians (not exactly politically correct), or even just running. I loved being active. But when I got to about 11 or 12 something just changed. I felt more tired more often, more lazy and less energetic.

Now fast forward to High School

I was still chubby and inactive. I tried softball but didn’t stick with it. I skipped Gym class because I was embarrassed at how out of shape I really was. I had a treadmill in my basement but it collected dust.

I’m not going to go into deep psychological analysis as to why this was happening. I am going to say that eating wasn’t the only thing I was doing to calm my emotions. I found nicotine pretty calming, of course some weed never hurt..but let’s stay on topic.

Even skinny girls are insecure at times. I never felt like I was ugly or disgusting. I just knew I was overweight, knew I could change it, and I wasn’t motivated to. The truth was, there were always boys who thought I looked great. So there’s someone out there for everyone. I had no reason to kill myself at the gym and eat nothing but Kale. Until now.

So fast forward again to late pregnancy 2013

For some reason, the minute I started seeing a bump, I panicked. Knowing there were hormonal changes going on in my body, I tried to ignore some of the feelings I had.

I tried to.

But it consumed my mind. I had dreams that I got huge and saggy and that my boyfriend left because of it. I would look in the mirror and apply cocoa butter lotion 3 times a day to avoid stretch marks. I watched my weight at the doctor’s office and made sure it wasn’t going up at all.
(since I was throwing up, and had no appetite the first 3 months, I lost about 18 pounds)

I felt insecurity like I had never felt it before. The question, though, is why??
I had had a baby before. I wasn’t that skinny before this one. So why all of a sudden is my brain forcing a lump in my throat every time I take my shirt off in front of my boyfriend?

Well the baby bump finally dissipated and I’m left with a totally different body. I thought I’d feel relieved but I felt worse about myself after I had my son. I get jealous now, which is such a foreign emotion for me. A constant feeling of not being good enough lingers over my head. I have a perpetual fear that I’ll be left for something better.

Or at least, thinner.

So much so, that I looked up and read about 30 articles about how to keep a relationship from falling apart. Each article told me something different. One in particular even said, “dress sexier”.

Like how is that even going to fix real problems, anyway??

What I needed was an article to tell me is that the truth is, if I keep allowing myself to feel like this, the emotional discourse will ruin our relationship. Or at the very least, our sex life. And the turmoil will happen way before my “being fat” epidemic would have.

Ironically enough..

You see? I worried for months that how I LOOK was causing our relationship to fall apart. But it wasn’t. It was how I was REACTING to how I look that could have been the undoing.

Still following me, ladies?

I know for a fact that how I look currently, displeases my man. But I also know that how I’m acting about it upsets him way more. At this point, I can’t really control how I look.( I can’t even start really exercising for another week!)

And hell, I certainly can’t control how he feels about it.

(Don’t we wish we could just psychically place this little thought in his brain to make him think your sexy??)

 But seriously, I CAN control my reaction. And that is way more important than it looks or seems.

I’m writing this blog because something life-changing hit me today.

That Holy Shit moment where you finally allow your brain to engage your heart. I stopped reading articles written by strangers who have NO experience with our relationship. They don’t love him with every fiber of their being, like I do. So why would they be able to help me? I sat and thought and realized something:

The right man will love you anyway.

let me say that again.

The RIGHT man, will love you. Anyway.

“Anyway” meaning regardless.

regardless; adverb
: in spite of difficulty, trouble, etc. : without being stopped

He should love you, “Without being stopped”. Especially by something superficial and frivolous like your looks.

And if he doesn’t, then he isn’t worth your time. If a little extra weight, stretch marks, or skin can make him love you less, you’re with the wrong guy.

Now, by NO means am I saying not to get back to looking sexy! Because I plan to *ahem* knock his socks off.

But if my boyfriend looks at me now and doesn’t feel the same way as he used to, he can move on. Because anything could happen in life, and that is not the type of guy that will sit by your bed in a cancer hospital, if he can’t handle a little extra weight. And that’s what you need. Or at least I know that’s what I need. A man who will be here and just love me. All the time, no matter what comes our way.

Love is like driving a car at night. You can never see further than your headlights. But you can make the whole trip that way.”

By Micayla